My Story
by desolate1
Summary: This is Santana's story, told from her point of view. From preschool, to middle school, all the way to high-school and her adult life. This is her life. Her story. -warning: mentions suicide, and molestation.-
1. Prologue

A.N_ Told in first person from Santana's point of view.  
I do not own anything; apart from the plot.  
Prologue.

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This is a story filled with tragedy, confusion, regret and any other depressing adjective that describes my life. This is my story. And if you cannot handle that, -then stop reading. If this intrigues you, -then stop reading. If you feel that this may, in any way, offend you or scar you for life, -then stop reading. In all actuality this story may do just that. Need I say it again; this is my story, my life poured into a few chapters. No, I'm not writing this for pity. To be completely honest that is the last thing I want from whoever is reading this. I'm writing this to inform people of what life can do to a person if you don't have your guard up. That was my mistake, I let too many people in and ended up getting hurt, both emotionally and physically. Well, enough with explanations and warnings let's get on with this, shall we?  
Again this is my life…; My story.


	2. The Beginning of Forever

A.N_This is my new story, hope you like it.  
Disclaimer: **I Own Nothing.**

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I, Santana Lopez have been a logical thinker ever since I could remember. This affected everything, especially my childhood experience. In preschool I was separated from the rest of the class and put into a room where they would give me a test. I never knew what that test was for, but I was still forced to take it. This happened every day for a few months. The questions where "Why is the sky blue?" or "What is the square root of pie?" And I gave the logical answer-The politically correct answer. Not the old 'The rivers, and oceans are reflected in the sky.' No preschooler should even think about those things, but then again I wasn't the average preschooler.

When the results of the tests got back to my family they showed no emotion. No excitement, nothing. (I passed with flying colors.) Actually they were kind of pissed off. Why would the school administer this test behind their back? So because of that I didn't go to school for a few weeks. I guess you could say I missed out on a lot of stuff, but no I really didn't. At the rate they were going a rock would be able to keep up. During my 'childhood' I missed out on everything that should be in a kid's life. And experienced everything that shouldn't. I missed out on the Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause, and the Easter Bunny. Everything. I grew up too fast. People may mistake this for 'being wise beyond my years' (you have no idea how many times I've heard that) but no, it's not that. It never was.

Forwarding into kindergarten, I had no friends. Everyone hated me because I 'spoiled their imagination' the teacher would say. I sat alone and played alone.I just stayed alone. And I liked it. I was in a classroom with complete idiots. They thought that fairy-tales and unicorns were real. I mean like come on, what era are you from? But then again that is one thing I envied about them the most. They were kids. I was too, but not mentally. They had that sense of innocence to them that I wasn't even close to possessing. Again the teachers separated me and made me take tests. This test though, was different. It was a State Standardized Test that would determine whether I would move up a grade or not. Of course -as usual- I passed with numbers off of the charts. That year they moved me into 2nd grade. So I was 5 years old in the second grade. Usually you're 7 going on 8. My parents wasn't aware of this though, by this time they weren't aware of anything I did anymore. Anyway, finally I felt like this class was going my speed and I enjoyed it. For once I felt normal, and I felt like I could relax. But like everything else in my life it was short lived. One day I walked into class and someone was sitting in my seat. I walked toward her with an underlined determination-well as much as a 5 year old could have-. Her back was toward me so I couldn't see her face. Her hair was blonde and her skin pale. As I walked closer the scent of vanilla and cranberries filled my nostrils. That alone stopped me in my tracks. Nowhere have I ever been that close to smelling paradise. Then my ears heard something they had never before heard.

A laugh. Well not a full on laugh, a giggle more or less. But it was something. A sentiment of happiness. The sound of happiness was foreign on my ears and to my eyes, I needed to know what her face looked like. And as if the Big Man Upstairs read my mind, on cue the girl who sole my seat turned around and it was right there where I found out the true meaning of beauty. Her face. It was flawless, perfection was an understatement.( One hell of an understatement.) Her teeth were as bright as the sun. And her smile. Her angelic smile lead me to believe that I was no longer living. No one but an angle itself could have a smile that blindingly amazing. I was stuck. I hadn't moved since her lovely fragrance filled my nasal cavities. I was frozen, my feet could not carry me any further to my stolen seat. I was there just staring. Like full on stalker-staring, and she noticed me.

Our eyes met and I died a little inside. Man, her eyes. I hadn't noticed them before when she turned around. But damn, they were so blue. Her light, sky blue orbs pierced deep into my soul, and I felt empty and full at the same time. Everything around me stopped. Only the blue eyed, blonde haired beauty and I were there, and moving. Right there, for me nothing else mattered. I didn't even care that she stole my seat. She stole something I didn't even know I had; My heart. Forcing my limbs to move, I slowly walked over to her. When she saw me coming she just smiled. Like she was waiting for me or something. I had to make up some sort of strategy before I went over there and most likely embarrassed myself. So I went with the most cliched one; -I pretended I hated her guts.

Reaching my seat I stood as tall as I could. Her sitting down and me standing up, we were about the same height. I pointed to my name tag that was taped on the desk. "Hey! Blondie, ya see this?"

"Yeah." She said simply

God her voice. So milky and smooth, I could almost feel it gliding down my skin. But I had to stick with the plan. "It's my name tag. Ya know, that indicates where a person sits."

"Yeah I know. It says 'Santa'. I'm sitting here so I can tell him what I want for Christmas without having to write a letter. I never know how to start those. 'Dear Santa' is so predictable."

Her response made me rethink my approach, and slow down a little. Actually looking at the name tag I take notice that it did say 'Santa'. That was when I remembered I didn't have time to finish writing the other half of my name because it was toward the end of the day, and we had to leave. But really? She thought that Santa Clause himself attended this classroom. For the first time I didn't find someones lack of awareness, nor common sense annoying or unbearable. I surprisingly found it alluring. It interested me, and I instantly wanted to know more about her, but my plan was still in motion.

"Santa. Really? For one he's not even real, and two why would Santa Clause be in the second grade? He's a grown up." I said, as snarky as I could.

She seemed unfazed by my comment, and tone. Like she expected me to come off as such. It irritated me. She didn't know me. And the way she shrugged off my clear hatred for her provoked me as well. From that little observation I inferred that she was used to people talking to her like that. That alone pissed me off. No one should talk to her like that. I know I was but that was different. It didn't count.

"What's your name?" She asked completely changing the subject.

"Umm. It's Santana. I would ask you for your name, but that would mean that I'm interested in having you as a friend. And I'm not." I replied back.

A look of pain clouded her too blue eyes, and I saw the color darken a little. This plan was backfiring very quickly. I could not keep this up much longer, and I knew it.

"You don't want to be my friend. Why?" The seat stealer asked in such a small voice all I wanted to hug her. But I couldn't;my plan.

"Well if you get out of my seat I'll be happy to inform you." The new girl got up and I noticed that she was taller than me, I kinda figured she would be though. I was 5 years old. She moved to the seat directly in front of mine and stared intently at me waiting for an explanation. It was sort of scrutinizing being under her gaze like that, but I couldn't let it show.

"So.." She started

"So what?"

"Are you gonna tell me why you don't want to be my friend?" She asked. Now she was getting a little frustrated. Her cheeks were turning redder by the minute.

"Well I see no purpose in having allies-well 'friends' you call them- when every single one of us in this room is terminal. Everybody will leave at some point. Eventually everything will end, and there will be no purpose in anything." After my spiel I sat down, content with my answer.

Her scrutinizing stare soon turned into a full on observation. She was either trying to decipher what I just said, or she was trying to decipher me. Noting the look of understanding in her eyes, I could tell she had some sense of my reason. But underneath the understanding there was some inquisition. A part of her wanted to figure me out. I just didn't know how big that part was.

"Well isn't that all the more reason to have friends? And if we were friends I wouldn't leave you." Her words were surprising. But the most surprising thing about them was that I believed them. If anyone else would have said that to me I would have shrugged it off and called them impractical. But it was the way she said it. The honesty behind her words could convince me to do anything.

"Really, I find that highly unlikely."

"We can pinkie swear on it, but you have to promise me too." She said as she held out her pinkie for me to take.

I was skeptical at first,-I mean who really based real promises on pinkies- but soon I took it. I figured the sooner I gave in, the sooner she would drop the subject. As my small tan pinkie clasped onto her slightly-bigger pale one, I could not help but notice the way our pigment complimented one another's. The contrast between light and dark fit together well. I think she noticed it too because looking down at our conjoined pinkies she was smiling.

Quickly letting go I asked,"What are you smiling for?"

Looking up at me with a smile so bright it almost pained me to look directly at her, she replies with, "You just agreed to become my friend."

Replaying our conversation I realize that I did. Me and this girl that I hardly even knew where friends, and pigs weren't flying. Did hell freeze over? Nope. I actually had a friend. Pretty shocking, huh. And I didn't even know her name.

"So since were 'friends' now, do you care to share your name with me?" I ask halfheartedly, even though I'm dying to know.

"My name is Brittany. Brittany S. Pierce. Try not to get it confused with Brittany Spears though because I used to all the time."

I decided to not think about the inferred cliche in that statement. I mainly focused on how the name fit her so well. She was bubbly and bouncy like a Brittany. And she was sorta 'slow' like one too.

"O-kay," I said sounding very awkward. The jig was up, you can't be mean to your friend. At least I don't think you can. I've never had one before. I do know you're supposed to get to know them though. "Umm, do you have any hobbies?"

"Yeah, I like to dance, I started 3 years ago. You?" ...

Well that is what the entire day consisted of. Us getting to know each other. Well me trying to find out everything about her as fast as humanly possible. She was the most intriguing human being I ever met. Her random, yet interesting facts kept me on my toes the entire day. I really did not know that dolphins were just gay sharks. Never too old to learn I guess. -well in my case too young-

She was different, and I loved it and hated it all at the same time. Every time she would laugh my stomach would flip and turn, and it irritated me to no end. How could a person have that much control over me and not even try. And it was a girl. Yes a girl. This was one thing my mind couldn't comprehend. Why did I feel this way about a girl and not a guy? I have and mom and a dad, not a mom and a mom. This messed me up for a long time. One thing my parents managed to drill into my head was the Bible.

"Man shall not lie with man nor women with women." My mom and dad would tell me. I was brought up being told that I should follow the Bible and live by it. So being 5 years of age and knowing that you are an abomination in Gods eyes was a heavy thing to take. Also knowing that no matter what, you are pretty much damned to Hell also made me do a lot of reconsidering. This is absolutely too much for a 5 year old to take. But that was me. The 'logical thinking' 5 year old. I wasn't as naive as all the other girls I've heard about. I knew that this wasn't some phase, or that it was going to go away. This was a part of my life. A part of my story.

Knowing that I would be going to Hell simply because of what gender I was attracted to, I tried to distance my self from Brittany. I figured the less I see her, the less I will think of her. The less I think of her, the less I would... like her? I really believed that the plan was fool-proof. Yeah, I was kinda wrong about that.

I walked into my classroom and there was Brittany.- Sitting at her own seat this time.- I figured if I take the band-aid approach,-say what I had to say quick and fast- It would hurt her less. Hurt me less. Trying to make my facial features as stoic as possible I walk over to my soon to be ex-friend. But something caused me to stop, well someone. It was Puck, he was talking to Brittany. _'What is Puck doing with Brittany?'_ I thought as started to walk faster towards her. Puck was a jerk-still is- even in the 2nd grade. And I tried my hardest to keep his perverted, creeper ass away from her. But when I saw her laugh I knew that she wasn't in danger, or in any way harmed. But seeing him being the reason that Brittany's laughter was flooding into my ears gave way to an unsettling feeling in my stomach. I do believe the feeling is jealousy. Yes it was. I was jealous, I was the one who was supposed to make her laugh, not Puck. I marched over there, my previous plan soon forgotten. (Apparently my awareness of people was too. I pushed like six people to get to Brittany.)

Seeing me approach Brittany smiled. There it was; my stomach doing that thing it does when Brittany even acknowledges me. "Hey San."

"Wassup Lopez." Puck said while he turned towards me.

Completely surpassing Puck's greetings I go straight for Brittany. "Hey Britt, umm could I talk to you for a minute?"

Before Brittany could even answer my question, Puck interjected. "But I was talking to her."

"Does it look like I care what you were doing imbecile."

A look of confusion was plastered on his face. He had no idea what I just called him. I had no time to laugh, my priority was Brittany. "Brittany..." I started.

"Oh, yea we could talk." Turning around to Puck she said. "Wait a minute." All Puck did was nod in her direction as he started lurking for some new pray.

"So, San what did you want to talk to me about?" She asks. Completely oblivious to the bombshell I was about to drop.

"Brittany...I don't...I don't think I could..." That was all she needed to hear to get the gist of what I was trying to say. I didn't have the heart to look up at her while she spoke.

"San, San don't do this." She said as she stepped closer and took my hand in hers. In a small voice she said, "You promised me."

Shit. I did promise her, but I didn't know what this would turn into. The first time I seen her, she was stunning but I only noticed her appearance. But ever since I befriended her, her mind overcame her body. I started to become attracted to her mentally, and this 'friendship' became much more than what it was. Well for me it had. I didn't know what Brittany felt.

"I know but.." She cut me off

"San I haven't had a friend like you. A friend who isn't so quick to give up or walk away from me like everyone else has. San please don't do this." Tears were flowing down her face freely, and I hated that I was the cause of that. I knew that this wasn't going to be easy, I just didn't know it was going to be this hard.

"Brittany..I can't." No words have ever felt that sour on my tongue, and the look Brittany gave me made me them taste even worse. She walked away from me and left me standing there like a big idiot. Then I remembered something. I also helped her with her homework, and studied with her for upcoming tests. Without me helping her she wouldn't pass the second grade. I could not move on without her.

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Months had passed and Brittany still hadn't talked to me. I knew she was failing, but she didn't know I knew. So when she would hand in tests, I would hand in mine shortly after. Then I would pretend I forgot to write my name on it, and go back and get it. Only I wouldn't get my test, I would get hers. Correcting any mistakes I find but that wasn't enough. She was still going to fail. So I came up with a different approach.

I decided, _'if she was going to fail, I was going to fail._ ' It was my fault that she wasn't on the right path. My stupid idea backfired like a bitch, -me unfriending Brittany was a disaster. I thought about her so much I couldn't sleep.- so I had to figure out a way to make up for it. I figured this was the only way to make up for it. I stopped handing in all of my homework, and scored as low as possible. Lemme tell you, it is way easier to fail then pass.

In no time I had the lowest grade in the class-apart from Brittany's- and everything was going according to plan. Soon I would be repeating the second grade. But news got out that Brittany was failing, and people started making fun of her. She would tell them to leave her alone, and hold her ground. But slowly I saw her self-esteem deteriorating and I couldn't do anything about it. She wouldn't let me. She was still mad, and I didn't blame her. (even though I wished she would talk to me)

One day Puck, and his new girlfriend Quinn walked up the Brittany and started talking to her. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I saw Brittany's cheeks flush red, and her eyes harden. They apparently said something that she didn't like. Then her facial features changed completely. Her hard, and defensive facade changed to little and helpless very quickly, and I just could stand it.

Quickly walking over to were they were I stood in front of Brittany-out of habit- and began to defend her.

"Hey! If I were you I would walk away, or or you're gonna get a visit from Snix."

"Really." Quinn said "And who is Snix?"

"You don't wanna know." Brittany answered behind me. I chanced a look back and caught a smile from her. That gave me even more courage.

"Believe her." I said backing her up. "Snix has razor blades all in her hair. Just all up in there."

The look of terror that shone on their faces were priceless. "Lets go babe." Puck said as he grabbed Quinn's hand and led her away from us. When they left, I turned around to face Brittany.

"I'm am so sorry Brittany. I shouldn't have left you when you needed me the most. I was stupid, and careless. Can we be friends again? Please." Whew, that was a lot to say. Well at least for me. I've never apologized to anyone before. Brittany was changing everything about me. I'm not complaining though.

Brittany looked like she was weighing her options. I just hoped that she would agree to be come my friend again.

"Well," She started."If I agree to become your friend again you have to promise me something."

"Yes, anything."

"Okay. Never friend-breakup with me again. Promise?" She said.

This time I was the one who initiated the pinkie promise. -Who knew, It may become our thing.

She looked at my pinkie and smiled while taking it. "I promise, Brittany."

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So there it is, the beginning of my new story.  
Please review to let me know what you think. -weather it is good or bad-  
Also sorry for any spelling or grammatical errors.


	3. The Sleepover

A.N_Thank you to everyone who read this story.  
Disclaimer: **I Own Nothing**

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I kept my promise to Brittany. I never friend-brokeup with her again. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. She had become a big part of my life, bigger than I ever thought capable of. No one that I met before ever made me feel the way I felt when I was with Brittany. It was indescribable, but I knew that I wanted to feel this way forever. In our little world.

A summer break had never felt so long. Two and a half whole months without seeing Brittany, or hearing her voice. It's kinda funny how I'm supposed to be a logical thinker, yet I did not think that it would be sensible for me to get some of her contact information. Well I was only 6-cut me some slack. -this year I was 6 going on 7, Brittany was 8 going on 9- 2nd grade the second time around wasn't so bad. I was still 1 year ahead, but Brittany was a year behind. As the year progressed, our friendship did also. We hung out more, and learned more about each other. It was truly an experience I will never forget.

I ran into a little dilemma though. As our friendship progressed, my feelings for her did also. They became so strong that I didn't associate them the word 'like' anymore. I was in love with Brittany. This one little fact led to so many misconceptions, and heartache that I didn't even think that what I felt for her was love. Love was supposed to be something special. Something that you didn't need words to convey. Something that was mysterious, yet it felt right.

I knew what I felt for Brittany was love. -I've never experienced it before, but I knew exactly what it was- A lot of people say that you can be too young to fall in love. I disagree strongly with that. No one can see what you see in a person. They cannot feel what you feel. Why else would they say "love is blind." What I felt for Brittany was so intense it kept me up at night. If I wasn't awake thinking about her, then I was asleep dreaming about her. Her shoulder-length blonde hair. Her light blue eyes that seemed to be the key to my heart. They saw deep into my soul.

I knew the feelings I had for Brittany would never go away, I just didn't know how to act on them. What would I do? Tell her I love her, or just remain her friend. Decisions, decisions. -sarcasm- If I told her I was in love with her, then it could possibly ruin our friendship. I really didn't want to chance that. If I didn't tell her I might be missing out on the best thing that could be in my life. Damn, How could a 6 year old handle all that shit. Oh yeah, I was a little savage.

One day though, in the second grade I was so close to telling her I was in love with her I could taste the words on my tongue. Well I actually did say them, she just wasn't conscious to hear them, or so I thought.

It all began when Brittany walked into the classroom, a little more happy than usual. Usually her hair would catch my attention first but this time an earlobe-shattering scream did.

"Whoa Britt. Slow down a bit. What's up, what happened." I asked trying to slowly calm her down. Everyone was beginning to stare. I didn't feel like punching anyone that early in the morning.

"Oh my God, San guess what?" She half whispered, half shrieked into my ear.

"Why do I need to guess when you're just going to tell me anyway?"

Brittany began to pout and give me those puppy dog eyes she knew that would get me to do anything under the moon. I caved, like instantly. "Okay. You're getting a dog."

"No, I wish though." She said sounding kind of sad. At the look of sadness on her face I wanted to go out and buy every dog in sight. But very soon after, the look of sadness was replaced with one of excitement. "My parents said that for my birthday I get to have a sleepover, and guess who I'm inviting."

"Do I seriously have to guess again."

"Yes," she said. Almost threatening me with the famous 'Pierce Pout' -I named it-

I knew she was going to invite me, but I wanted to mess with her a little. "Umm, lemme think...Gorge Clooney?"

"What? No, he's like old. I'ts you silly."

"Really, I would have never guessed." I said, sarcasm hinting at my tone. She didn't pick up on it though.

"Really? You wouldn't have guessed that. You're like killer smart. I still don't know how you failed the second grade."

"I told you Britt, the stuff the teacher was teaching got very overwhelming and I flaked out." That was the lie I told her. I wasn't about sound like I was obsessed with her or something, and decided to stalk her. -It was much more complex than that-

"Oh, but still. You are really smart."

I tried to contain the redness forming in my cheeks from Brittany's compliment. "Thanks, you are too ya know. In your own little way."

"Thank you San. So, are you going to come to my sleep over."

Well that was a no brainer. "Yeah, of course Britt."

She squealed with excitement. "This is going to be so amazing. You're gonna meet my parents, your gonna see my room. This is gonna be so awesome." She squealed again.

"Am I gonna be the only one there?" I asked, my nerves suddenly making an appearance.

"Yeah, my parents said I could only invite one person."

"Really?" I laughed awkwardly. "One person?"

"Yep, and that one person is you. San we are going to have so much fun. It's this Friday."

"Wow, I cannot wait." OH MY FRICKEN' GOSH. I WILL BE SPENDING THE NIGHT AT BRITTANY'S HOUSE. IN HER ROOM. IN HER BED. WITH HER.

"Well you only have one more day to wait." She said while hugging me and jumping.

"Oh, yeah today is Thursday, but technically I only have half a day to wait." _'Shit only half a fuckin day. Fuck!'_

"Yeah. Well I was never good at fractions, but anyway see you there. Bye San."

"See you." With that, Brittany left me with my thoughts, and inner turmoil.

* * *

A half a day. A mere 12 hours. 720 minuets. That is how far away I was from from being in the same bed with Brittany. WTF. -what the fuck.- I was going to die. I was so convinced that I wasn't going to survive the night that I started writing my own eulogy. I'm serious, that happened. No, but seriously I had no idea how I would survive this.

Being in love with Brittany was one thing. Sleeping in the same bed with her was another. Was there a side that she preferred? Was there a certain way she slept? I was going in blind. And to add to all of this, I was completely terrified. I had no idea what was going to happen at this 'sleepover.' Now that I'm older and a little more sensible I knew that I was overreacting. But back then I had no way of knowing that.

* * *

720 minuets passed a little too quickly for my liking. Convincing my parents to go to Brittany's sleepover was pretty easy. Honestly I didn't even ask I just left with a bag of clothes and Brittany's present. I really hoped that she was gonna like it. I put a lot of thought into it. I mean I had to; It was Brittany. She deserved nothing shy of the best. I bought her a gold-encrusted duckling necklace. Yeah I did. Back when we first met I remembered her telling me that she liked to go out and watch them right when the sun was setting. But that was when she was living in New-York. She hadn't got to do that while in Lima.

Since her birthday is in February, no ducks where out. Snow was still stuck to the ground. So I figured that this would be a way to bring the ducks, and a little New-York to her. Pretty lame huh? Yeah I know, But she was worth being lame for.

I was a little surprised to find out that Brittany lived within walking distance from my house. Only 3 blocks away. 3 freakin' blocks! I had to go an entire summer without Brittany, and she was only three blocks away. Wow.

I reached her house fairly quick. For one it was so cold I had icebergs up my ass, but I was sweating bullets. Secondly I was dying with anticipation. What would her house look like? What would her parents look like? Would they like me? All of these thoughts were racing through my mind so fast I couldn't decipher where one ended and another one began. On top of being cold, and the anticipation coursing through my veins, I was just plain nervous. Every time I'm around Brittany my heart beats fast and I can barely form coherent sentences. I'm good at hiding that part, but in my head I re-word the same sentence approximately 26 times before it verbally comes out. Don't judge me.

I arrived at her door step a cold, yet sweating, mess. Who sweats in the fucking winter? I didn't have time to think about it because the door burst open and out came a screaming Brittany. It made me feel all fuzzy inside knowing that she was this excited because of me.

"Yay! San you made it. I didn't think you were gonna come."

Hiding her present behind my back, I hug her with one arm. "I wouldn't miss this for anything Britt. Can we go inside. It's kinda cold." My sweat was beginning to freeze to my face.

"Oh, yeah come on you have to meat my parents." She said while letting go of me but taking hold my my hand. "Geez, San you are cold. Your hand is freezing."

The touch instantly lit my hand on fire. "Not anymore." I said underneath my breath.

"What was that," Brittany asked.

"N-nothing."

Then I heard a voice call out. "Brittany, close the door your letting the heat out, is your friend here?" Judging from the maturity, and experience in the voice I could tell that it was one of Brittany's parents. And hearing the feminism in it I knew that it was Brittany's mom.

"Okay, and yeah she's here." She said while letting go of my hand and skipping over to the door to close it. Skipping back she took my hand in hers and lead me to where the voice sounded. She lead me to her kitchen and her parents where there. Seeing her parents, I noticed that Brittany was like a carbon copy of them. Both of them.

Brittany had her mother's eyes and hair color, but her dad's nose and jaw structure. It was like looking at three copies of the same person. Her mom looked so peaceful, and kind. _Well I know where Brittany got that from._ Yet her dad looked knowing and understanding. Looking at her dad, I followed his line of cite. He was looking at our conjoined hands. Feeling squirmish all of a sudden I let go. A look of confusion laced his facial features, and he did that little face scrunching thing that Brittany does when she doesn't understand something. _Man they got that alike too._

Beside me I knew that Brittany was pouting, but I wasn't that stupid enough to look. I'll just make it up to her later. Standing up from her chair, Brittany's mom walked over to greet me. "Hello, you must be Santana. I'm June, Brittany's mom. It's a pleasure to finally meet the girl who Brittany will not stop taking about."

I side glanced at Brittany and seen her cheeks flushed red. _So she's been talking about me._ Trying hard to not relish on the thought any longer I hold my hand out to her mother and formally introduce myself. "Hello, Mrs. Pierce. It is a pleasure to meet you as well." -this comes from years of having proper edicate drilled into my head by my mother.

"Please, call me June."

"Hello June." Damn was I nervous.

"Hi Santana, this is my husband David."

I turn my attention toward Brittany's Dad. He stood and walked over to where we were. He was a tall man, and had very broad shoulders. He kind of reminded me of a lumberjack, but in a non buff and scary way. -Yeah I once thought lumberjacks were scary. So what-

"Hello, Santana it is nice to meet you." David said while standing beside his wife.

"You too David." _Okay Lopez good start._

A silence never felt so heavy. Like the four of us just stood there, not saying anything. Thank God for Brittany and her ability to not pick up on things. She easily shifted the tension.

"Mom, dad can Santana see my bedroom?"

"Sure honey, just make sure you are down here in time for your birthday cake." Her mom said while she began to set the table.

"Cool." Brittany said as she took my hand again and lead me upstairs. On the way up the stairs I couldn't help but notice all the pictures they had on the walls. Everyone of them was filled with some form of happiness. Whether it was one of them smiling, or all three of them. They were happy, and I couldn't help but feel like that was what a real family was. I didn't know that. Well what I really mean was I had never experienced that. Ever.

From the looks of it she was in the perfect family. She had a pair of loving parents. I barley had one. One. She had all these memories of happiness, and enjoyment, and I had nothing. Jealousy found its way into my system, and I found myself feeling guilty. If anyone deserves a good, and loving family it was Brittany. If she had grew up like I had, I don't believe that she would have grown to become the person I fell in love with.

When we were done ascending the stairs we came to a door. It was all pink. Like painted pink, all of it. "Lemme guess..this is your room." I said turning toward Brittany.

"How did you know?"

"Really Britt. The door is pink."

"Oh yeah. I'm so used to seeing it, it doesn't really stick out to me anymore."

"That figures. So we gonna go inside, I'm dying to see what your room looks like." _Shit! I really just said that out loud, didn't I?_

Well with Brittany being Brittany she didn't find that comment as weird as I did. It just made her smile and even more excited to show me her room. "Okay, just don't judge anything you see in here. This is the only place where I'm not judged for being who I am. Were I'm able to be me." She said, scuffing the tip of her shoe against the hardwood flooring.

"Brittany, I would never do anything like that."

I'm not as good as Brittany when it comes to conveying emotions vocally, but I tried to. The look of appreciation that shone in Brittany's eyes told me that I succeeded. She opened the door and everything clicked.

Her room was her. She was her room. Every adjective that described Brittany described her room. It was bubbly, and kid-like, and innocent. It was just her. On the walls was a color that I seen everyday, but paid little attention to. It was the color of the sky. I don't know why I never paid attention to it before, Brittany's eyes were the same color. But her eyes were more captivating than any sky I've seen. -the only sky I've seen was over poor old Lima-

And everywhere I looked there was some type of stuffed animal. Whether it was a penguin, or a monkey. Or a giraffe, to a kangaroo. They were everywhere. It was a little overwhelming at first, but I got used to it. This was just an extension of Brittany, and I loved that she trusted me enough to show me it.

"Soo..." She started. "Is it too much?"

"No." I answered a little to quickly. "I mean n-no. Its a pretty cool room. Well cooler than mine will ever be."

"San, I don't even think that can be possible."

"Well, you're right." She feigned hurt and punched me in the arm. "Oww! I was kidding, God."

"Whatever, well if I were you I would drop your stuff somewhere so we could head back downstairs. I think everything is ready."

"Alight, Layla Ali where do you want me to put my stuff?"

She stifled a laugh before saying "Anywhere, It doesn't matter."

"Okay." I walk deeper into the room, and find a corner. I put my bag down, and carefully slide Brittany's present inside. I was hiding it behind my back the entire time. I was surprised she didn't notice.

We descend down the stairs and I try to avoid looking at the pictures this time. I didn't feel like pondering on what I was missing out on. That would get me into a funk that is hard to get out of. I didn't want Brittany to see me like that. When we reached the bottom of the stairs the entire kitchen was transformed. No longer was it the regular one I just walked out of. It was totally different. There was streamers, and confetti and balloons. Everything. Brittany's eyes shone brighter than I've ever seen them.

"Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Brittany. Happy Birthday to you." Her parents sang in unison while they brung out her birthday cake. It was small, and at the look of it I noticed it was homemade. Her parents baked her a cake for her for on her birthday. I was lucky to get a "Happy birthday" said.

"Oh my gosh! Thank you so much mom, and dad." Brittany said as she approached her parents with nothing but adoration showing in her eyes. I just stood there watching what a family should be. That's what they were; a family.

"Come on San, you can be a part of this too." Brittany said, ushering me over. I was hesitant at first, but then her parents gave me a look that I had never got from my parents, or anyone for that mater. They looked at me like I belonged. Like I was a part of their family. So I went over by the table just as Brittany was about to blow out her 9 candles. She glanced in my direction and took my hand. In a voice only her and I could here I whispered, "Happy birthday Brittany.

I completely missed the sorrowful look her parents shared with one another.

* * *

After the cake was mostly eaten Brittany and I went back up to her room, and my nervousness suddenly made an appearance. It was showtime. We entered the room and she closed the door.

"So, what do you wanna do?" She asked.

"I don't know. What do people usually do at sleep overs? I've never been to one."

"Well I've never had one so I guess we're both inexperienced, huh?"

That was what Brittany specialized in. When I would get down on myself, or beat myself up over something she was there to stop me. She never liked when I did that to myself; when I got into a bad head space.

"Well I guess so. Hey, umm we could play a game or watch a movie. I couldn't help but notice your vast collection of Disney movies." I said while picking up one of her stuffed animals.

"How about we play a game. Umm...Truth or dare?"

"Why not? I'll go first. Truth or dare?"

"Umm..Dare.

"Hm..." I wanted to make this interesting, but it had to be something I knew that Brittany would refuse to do. "Okay, throw away one of your stuffed animals." The look she gave me was between appalled, and disrespected.

"Santana I would never."

"Well if you don't then that would defeat the purpose of the dare. The name of the game is truth or _dare._ " I replied while twirling the stuffed animal around. It was actually pretty soft.

"Well I don't care bout the _purpose of the game,_ I won't do it. It's my turn now. Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Have you ever liked anyone before. Like ever?"

Shit, shit ,shit. I knew I should've picked dare. Brittany being Brittany she was unaware of my inner struggle, and I was glad for that. It may be just me, but it seemed like she had this question loaded for a long time. She was just waiting to ask me this question, and this game provided the perfect opportunity. She didn't even second guess it. I mean I had to answer it, I didn't want to come off as a hypocrite. So I answered it. Truthfully.

A simple "Yes." rolled off my tongue at the same time Brittany's mouth dropped.

"You actually liked someone Santana."

"Yup, I did. As in past tense. I don't like them anymore." Well that was true I didn't like Brittany anymore. I loved her. Big difference.

"Oh." The look of disappointment was evident in her eyes. I just wasn't sure if I imagined it, or it actually happened. Given my luck, and the cards I've been dealt I assumed that it was just my eyes playing tricks. I could never be that lucky.

We stopped playing after a while, but she seemed bummed out. I still didn't give her the gift, I was waiting on the perfect time. I guess now was it.

"Hey Britt, I got you something for your birthday. You want it now?"

"San, I told you I didn't want anything." there was a long pause. "But yes I want it now." She said, while smiling that smile I loved more than my existence.

"Alright, close your eyes and I'll go and get it." Making sure her eyes were closed I walked toward the corner were my bag lay discarded. I open it slowly, the zipper only going a millimeter second. I don't know why I was so nervous to give her the necklace. It was just a damn necklace. Sometimes I hated my nerves. While resisting the urge to roll my eyes I get the bag open and take out her gift.

The box seemed heavier than before, and as I examined it I didn't know whether or not it was good enough. She deserved everything that was good in this world because that was what she was to me. So I assumed it was natural for me to judge the gift heavily. But it was way too late now, she was waiting on this gift, and she was going to get it.

Looking at the box I rubbed my hand over it sensually, trying to covey my feelings through it. Hopefully it will soak into the gift...Pretty pathetic huh? Anyway I turned around toward Brittany and she still had her eyes closed. _'Good '_ I thought. _'She didn't just see that'_ Even though my back was toward her when I did it she would have still been able to see the motion.

"K' Britt you can, um.. open your eyes now."

Once her eye lids revealed those blue orbs I've fallen in love with, they soon located what they were looking for and locked onto the box. I walked closer to were she was sitting on her _bed_ and put the box in her hand.

"San, it's beautiful."

I laughed a laugh I only did when I was with Brittany. "You didn't even open it yet."

"I know, but I can sense it's beautiful. I can feel the beauty radiating off of it."

 _'Oh shit, that actually worked.'_ "Well you'd really know if you open it. Go ahead and open it Britt-Britt."

It felt like a millennium before she opened the small box that seemed to weigh tons on my shoulders. But when she did I couldn't have wished for a better reaction. Her eyes were the first thing that I noticed. They seemed to brighten. -I never thought that I was capable of doing that- Then I heard a gasp, and thought that what I chose to give her backfired like everything in my life.

I thought that she hated it. And then my oxygen supply shortened by the bone-crushing embrace she had around my neck. "San..I.." She tried to speak but tears prevented her speech.

"Brittany are you okay?"

She pulled back but kept her arms around my neck. It was then that I seen the tears she shed for a completely different reason this time We were in such a close proximity, the warmth of her breath was tickling the bridge of my nose. _'God..Take me now.'_ "Santana it's stunning." she said in a voice hardly above a whisper. A puff of air hitting my nose every time she pronounced the letter 't'.

"Well, here. Let me put it on." Honestly this was an excuse to take a step away from Brittany. I really did not know how much I could take. She handed me the duckling and turned around. Slowly I moved her hair out of the way and raised my arms over her head. Everything was moving in slow motion. Every move was slow and meaningful. My heart was pounding faster with every inch I came closer to fastening the jewelry around her pale neck.

It was so intense. My breathing turned ragged and my fingers were starting to sweat. I mean it was only a damn necklace. I wasn't about to kiss her. Then the thought of me kissing Brittany clouded my mind, and I almost dropped the necklace. _'Focus dammit.'_

I got it around her neck and brung the two pieces of chain together. Hearing the click, I sighed with relief. "There you go Brittany. This way you can have a little piece of New York wherever you go. And a little bit of me too." The last part was a joke. But as she turned around and I looked into her too blue eyes I could tell that she would bring me along. Wherever she went.

"Thank you, San. This is the greatest gift I've ever gotten. Like from anyone."

"Hey, I mean I'm awesome. This is expected."

"Shut up." She punched me in the arm for the second time that night, but soon after laughed.

"Well birthday girl, since it is your birthday for..." I looked at the clock. "approximately 44 more minuets, you get the choice to do one last thing. The choice is yours."

"Yeah it is pretty late. How about you unpack then change, and we can end the night with a movie."

"That sounds like a plan."

I headed to the corner my stuff was in and took out my cookie monster pajamas, (Don't you dare judge me. Cookie monster is a savage) and sleeping bag. I brung it because maybe Brittany wouldn't want to share her bed with me. -definitely not because I was afraid to sleep in the same bed with her- I rolled it out on the hardwood floor and took my pajamas in my hand.

"Hey Britt could you show me were the bathroom is?"

She was eyeing the sleeping bag suspiciously while speaking. "Yeah, when you exit it's the second door on the left."

"Cool thanks." I left the room and quickly changed. When I entered again she had already put in a movie and was tucked tight into bed. Walking back in it was considerably cold in her room. Like really cold. I thought it was because I took off my jacket and stuff, also my pajamas wasn't the best choice for cold weather. What I didn't notice was the open window blocked by the mate grey shades.

And the floor made it no better. It was like walking on ice. Was Britt not bothered by this?

"Britt it's really cold in here, can you crank up the heat?" I asked while crossing my arms and rubbing my hands vigorously up and down my sides.

"Nope, it's at the highest it could go. You could sleep in my bed if you want."

The big multi-colored comforter was very tempting, but I couldn't. Not yet.

"Umm, na. I think I'll be able..to umm...tough it out through the night." I awkwardly laughed trying to break the growing tension.

"Okay, well if you get too cold, the offer still stands. Night San.

"Night."

* * *

This sleeping bag was pure hell. It had no isolation, and the _hardwood_ floor was hurting my back. No matter what I could not get comfortable, and on top of that I was on the verge of catching pneumonia in my ass. I was shivering so much I go use to my muscles being contracted for long periods of time. I was convinced I was going to have a killer six pack when morning came.

"San I know your cold." Brittany's knowing voice rang through the room and into my ears.

"Y-yeah, what m-makes you think t-that." _'Dammit Lopez! Stuttering?! Really?!'_

"Well for starters, that was a dead give away. Secondly your shivering kinda woke me up."

"Really?"

"Yeah. San just get in the bed." She said sighing. "I mean this is a _sleepover_. Not doing it would defeat the purpose."

She quoted my previous speech about truth or dare. ' _touche, touche'_

"As it being your birthday for another..." I look at the clock. "minute, I guess I could g-grant you this."

I stood up from my sleeping bag, and walked over to Brittany's bed. Once I got in, the warmth spread through every part of my body. Instantly Brittany cuddled into my side and I instantly stiffened.

"This has been the best birthday ever. You made that possible San."

"Well if anyone deserves it, It's you Brittany." I had to admit I was way warmer than I was on the floor from hell -ironically it was cold- but still.

Brittany yawned and cuddled closer into me. "No I mean it Santana." She pushed onto her forearms and looked deep into my eyes. Even in the dark I could still see the sparkle in them. "Thank you."

"Your welcome Britt," I said while snaking my arm around her waist. This just felt natural. All my worries washed away and it was just me and her. In own own little world that I wanted to be in forever.

"Night San. Love you."

Honestly hearing that didn't freak me out. It didn't make me nervous. It didn't make me skiddish. I knew she didn't mean it in the way I wanted her to. But I wanted to hear her say that to me forever. Whether she meant it that way or not.

"I love you too Britt. Night."

I shift a little when I hear light snoring.

"Well you sure do fall asleep fast don't you?" I laugh softly while stroking her hair completely absorbed in what is Brittany.

Her angelic features looked peaceful, and I couldn't help but lightly graze my finger across the silky smooth skin of her jaw bone.

"You'll forever be my always, Britt. Forever."

I hadn't noticed the ends of her mouth curl up slightly.

* * *

A.N_Sorry for the wait. I had to really pull this one out.  
Hope you enjoyed. **P.S_** Please review.


	4. Realization

A.N_Thanks to everyone who read..

 **Disclaimer:** I own nothing, other than the plot..

Waking up with Brittany in my arms was single-handedly the best thing in the universe. Somehow our hands ended up intertwining during the night, and lay lazily on Brittany's stomach. Her pajama shirt rode up slightly and a sliver of pale, flawless skin sparkled in the little sunlight that the matte grey shades let in. I was the first to wake, and that was pretty surprising because I am everything but a morning person. I believe it was due to my body being in a foreign place, but I wasn't complaining though. Hear me out, Brittany was gorgeous anytime of day. (afternoon, evening, dawn, etc-) But there was something about a sleeping Brittany that was entirely, I don't know? Different?

Her features seemed to magnify in beauty. Everything was heightened. It was like seeing things in quadruped HD. The contours of her face shown simplicity, yet they were way more complex than I ever seen before. It was exquisite. She was exquisite. One of the words that stood out to me was angelic. She was simply it. I didn't want to move, but the urge to pee became way too large for me to handle. Slowly and with a lot of reluctance, (a lot) I let go of her hand and slid out of the bed.

Walking on my tip-toes (because the floor is fuckin' freezing) I made my way out of Brittany's room and toward the bathroom. When I was done I began to walk back into Brittany's room when a sigh stopped me. It was coming from the kitchen, and I wanted to ignore it but something was telling me not to. It was one of Brittany's parents.

"June...this is a bad idea," her father said sounding way more defeated than I've ever heard him. From the defeat lacing his tone I knew that they had this conversation many times before.

"She may not like it at first, but it will be good for her. She needs this David," June replied.

"She needs this, or you?" Her dad shot back. I heard a chair scrape violently against the floor and assumed that he stood up from his seat.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, come on June. You know Brittany thinks differently than the other kids her age. You just don't want to deal with it anymore. You think moving to a place that has higher test scores and advanced teaching equipment will help her!"

"No I do not," her mother replied in a hushed whisper like she was appalled at what David just said.

"Yes! You do! You're too blinded by the future that you can't keep track of the present! Did you even notice that her test scores were heightening because Santana was tutoring her? Or that she got way better at her times tables because Santana made up a song to help her memorize them? Yeah. I didn't think so."

"Don't you dare make me out to be the bad guy here! I just want what is best for _my_ daughter, and I believe moving to Berwyn is it." She spat back.

That was when it all clicked for me. Brittany was moving. As in she was leaving me. As in I wont see her anymore. As in I will be alone again, and there will be a Brittany size hole in my heart that only she could fill. I felt sick. Not the _'throw-up, queezy'_ kind of sick. It was more of the _'I will never see the love of my life again.'_ kind of sick.

Devastation hit me so hard I almost passed out. I wouldn't see her again. I wouldn't hear her voice anymore. Her unique, familiar scent would not gingerly lift me off my feet anymore. It was it for me. It was it for us.

"And moving her away from her best friend, who is steadily bringing up her grades will be what's best for her!?" Her dad asked.

"How much could a kid do, hmm? Santana is a great girl, but how far could she take Brittany? How much more and how much longer will she be able to help her?"

By this time I made my way down the stairs and crouched really low. I was at an angle where I could see them, but they couldn't see me.

David let out a frustrated sigh. "How blind are you? Santana is special to her. Did you not see the way Brittany looked at that girl last night? She talks about her non-stop, and when she does her eyes sparkle like...like I've never seen them." The last part sounded as if he was saying the words to himself.

"What are you talking about David." Her mother asked with a mixture of worry and suspicion lacing her voice. Shit, I wanted to know too. I scooted further down the stairs not even caring if they were able to see me. I needed to know what her father was trying to say.

"You know what I'm hinting at. You're able to read me like a book, always have been," he said matter-of-factly with slight annoyance.

"You're not saying that.." June started.

"That their friendship is becoming more than what they claim? Yeah, I am," he finished.

June looked mortified. "But they-the're in the second grade," she said only above a whisper. "What's wrong with them?"

That hurt. Like a lot. Did she think that I chose to be this way? That if I could, I would be as normal as the next person. That I would give anything to not be in love with Brittany. But I am.

My anger built up faster than I could manage and the last thing I know I'm walking, well stomping, over to June.

"What's wrong with us?! What's wrong wrong us?!" I yell directly at her mother. A look of shock, and embarrassment washed over her face. I didn't give a damn. I kept going. "Are you fucking kidding me? What's wrong with us?"

"Sant.." David began.

"Shut up!" I yelled, feeling all of my anger bubble over. He obeyed my demand because he knew his wife was in the wrong. I mean what could he say?

I focused my attention back on June. My anger subsided a little, and I was actually able to think. _I just yelled at Brittany's parents. Both of them._ I re-thought my approach and decided to go a different route. "What's wrong with us?" I repeat way calmer than before.

"Santana, I didn't mean it," she tried to explain. "I was just in shock. It-it just slipped."

I took a minute to observe her and her phony lie. I didn't believe her as far as I could throw her. "It just slipped?" I questioned.

She thoughtfully nodded her head. "Hmm." I hum skeptically. "Well the things that tend to "just slip"-I used air quotes around the words _just slip_. "..are the things that are the most truthful to us. When we say things unconsciously, or without trying too it comes from our hearts. We just say them without thinking, therefore our brain does not have time to filter if what we just said was appropriate."

"But Santana.." June tried but I politely cut her off

"No, June let me finish." I said my voice pleading. They needed to hear this.

"You see, the heart is the only thing the brain has no control over. I mean, yeah the brain tells the heart to pump blood throughout the body but what about emotionally?" Her parents looked confused.

"What I mean is.. when you fall in love with someone you don't think. It is almost impossible to. Have you wondered why?" I ask them. I didn't even give them a chance to answer. "It is because our brain is incapable of processing the feeling of love. It doesn't know how to react to it. That is why some people tend to become nervous, scared, or impaired of speech when they are in the presence of someone they like, or love."

I look at the faces of Brittany's parents and they look understanding, and slightly confused. I guess they were wondering what 6yr old knew those kind of words. I'm used to people looking at me like that anyway.

I continued my speech. "And for you to ask '" _what's wrong with us_ ," I paused. I felt the anger slowly returning to my system. "..just shows that you will never get the concept."

Her parents just stood there, their faces expressionless. Exactly what I expected. "I believe it's time for me to go." I stare at them and run my tounge along the inside of my bottom lip. "I wish it was nice to have met you." I left without another word.

I everything but ran up the stairs and burst into Brittany's room. My eyes immediately found a disturbed and worried Brittany sitting up in her bed. I knew that if I went over to console her, that I would never let go. I would never leave. So, while keeping my face as stoic as possible, I walked right past her and went to gather my things.

I could feel her piercing blue eyes watching my every move. I hated it. I hated being under her gaze for too long. It was unnerving, it was like she could see right through me. "Stop looking at me," I demanded while rolling up my useless sleeping bag.

"San..don't."

"Don't what!" I yelled while forcibly turning around. I wasn't able to control my temper anymore. I made eye contact with her for more than a millisecond for the first time that day. Mistake. She looked broken, and she was crying, from the looks of it, for awhile. I think she heard the argument downstairs.

"Don't shut me out again. Please." She said getting out of her bed. The duckling necklace swaying softly with every step she took toward me. This was all too familiar for me. Way too familiar.

I turn away from her and put my sleeping bag in the bag that I kept I extra clothes in. I folded the other clothes that I left discarded and put them in the bag too. I just needed to busy myself to avoid her knowing gaze.

"Santana look at me!" She demanded. I dropped the clothes I had in my hand on the floor and turned around to the hard voice. She had been way closer than I expected. When I turned around, our noses brushed together and I jumped back in shock.

"What was all that stuff you said downstairs?" She asked. I knew she knew what all of it meant. She had more understanding of it than her damn parents, she just wanted to hear me repeat what she already knew.

"It doesn't matter, it's just too late. We're over before we even had a chance to begin." I looked deep into her eyes as I spoke. "You know how when you're driving and it's pouring down rain.." I wait for her to nod her head as a sign of acknowledgement. "..but then you drive under a bridge and everything stops."

I didn't realize I was crying until Brittany reached up and wiped away a stray tear that had fallen. "Everything goes silent, and it's almost peaceful. Then you finally get out from under the bridge, and everything hits you a little harder.." A sniffle breaks off my sentence. "..a little harder than before."

"San.." Brittany squeezes out brokenly.

"You were my bridge," I shrug.

"Were?" Brittany questioned sadly. Pleading strongly with her eyes.

"Yeah Britt.." This is the hardest thing I've done. "..were."

I turned around and went back to packing my clothes. No more words were exchanged between us. I broke her. She was the only thing on this fucking earth that I loved more than existence itself, and I basically threw her away.

I changed out of my pajamas and put my coat on. The sooner I got away from her the better. I took my stuff in my hand and walked out of her bedroom door. My heart clenched with every step away from the love of my life. I was walking out on everything I wanted. That happened to be in the form of a 9yr old blue eyed blond girl who loved ducks, and found the good in everything and everyone. Even me.

I felt both sets of her parents eyes on me as I descended down the stairs. I couldn't bring myself to look at them. With everything I could muster up I walked out of their front door, and never looked back.

The crisp, cold and sharp wind sliced through my coat and burrowed into my skin. It matched how I felt inside. Cold, empty, and alone. I officially had nothing. I had no family. I mean they were there, but not in the way I needed them to be. The way I craved them to love me.

And then there was me losing Brittany forever. Which, by the way, topped everything. It didn't matter if I had a love-less relationship with my parents. Hell, it wouldn't matter if I had any parents, because when I was with Brittany, no matter how cliche it sounds, all of my problems went away.

The only thing I'd think about would be how the skin around her eyes would crinkle when she laughed, or the way she would grip her pencil when she was writing. It was art. She was poetry, and damn she was my everything. It was her heart. It was beautiful and pure. It was different than mine, and other peoples'.

I don't know why..

I wanted to love her in every way conceiably possible. To where there would be no question, not a doubt in her mind that she was loved. She wouldn't cry herself to sleep wondering if she was good enough or pretty enough because I would make it my damn priority to show her she's beautiful everyday.

But I can't.

Now I can't because my chance is over.

And it feels like I'm drowning. I'm drowning and I'm gasping for air to live. To continue living. But how can I do that if Brittany was my air? She was my heart. She kept me alive. And damn, she was everything to me. And now what? I can't picture life without her because I've been blessed enough to know what it's like to have her in it. There is nothing after her for me, and that sucks balls because where does that leave me?

Exactly where I am now. Walking in no general direction, physically and metaphorically. Just wondering in the cold. Brittany kept me grounded. She kept me sane, and to be without her would crush me. It's crushing me to know that I may never hear her laugh. Never get lost in her subtle yet enlightening presence. Never...never tell her how I truly feel.

Looking back, that was the thing that ate me to pieces. Not knowing. "What if this..." and "What if that..." It consumed me. It became all I ever thought about. I thought more about what _actually_ could've been, than about Brittany leaving. Though, you couldn't have one without the other. It was just an endless cycle of sorrow and despair. I could not shake it.

I couldn't shake it for 3 years.

36 months.

1,095 days.

26,280 consecutive hours of grieving for Brittany. Craving for her presence.

 **x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

I finished 2nd grade alone. It didn't really matter though. After Brittany left I became emotionally numb.

3rd and 4th grade was kinda a blur. I really don't remember a thing. To be completely honest, I don't remember attending most days. Since Brittany no longer went to my school so there was no reason for me to go.

Entering 5th grade was the only memorable thing out of those three painful years. I met another person who I could tolerate for more than a minute besides...you know.

It was a guy this time. I didn't find him attractive, though even if I did it would have been pointless. He was totally gay.

He obviously played for the team with dudes on it. I could tell from his oddly feminine voice. Although most boys in 5th grade had really girly voices, his was a little more prominent. And it also didn't help that his cherubic features stood out as much as his choice of clothing. He was a fruitcake.

I knew my sexuality was questionable, but that wasn't gonna stop me from making fun of someone else's.

I walked up to him and bumped him purposely. "Watch out faggot." The venom on my tongue never tasted so sweet. I haven't laid into anyone for a long time. Brittany wouldn't let me when she was around, which was all of the time.

"Excuse me?" His high pitched voice cut through my ears and I cringed.

"I'm pretty sure you heard what I said. Or what? Faggots can't hear?" I crossed my arms smugly and tilted my head to the side. This year was going to be pretty fun. I was too busy admiring my bitchiness to notice his hand rapidly coming toward my face. My cheek burned with agony and shock penetrated my nerves. Did I just get eeeslapped? Did he just slap me in the face?

Those questions were soon answered when the smug look on his face mirrored mine from before. Now "LUNGE!" was my only thought. And that's what I did.

I tackled him to the ground and our peers formed a crowd around us. Some even took out their phones to record. I only remember us rolling around on the floor, and shouts of "Damn!" and "Oh shit!" being yelled at random. No real punches were cleanly landed. If anything, it was more of a tussle than a fight. We rolled around for a few more minutes before an adult broke it up.

"Hey! Hey! Stop it right now!" The teacher demanded as he peeled the kid and I apart.

"She started it!" Pony boy yelled, with his hideous and annoyingly feminine voice. I could practically see the glitter on the words he spoke.

"I did not! Sir, he hit me first. I was acting out of self-defense," I yelled.

"Is that true Kurt?" he asked turning toward the fairy.

 _'Kurt'_ I stifled back a laugh and bit my lip. Man, this kid will never catch a break.

He dejectedly nodded his head and I crossed my arms smugly. "See, I told you. Looks like faggots can't control their temper."

"Santana!" the teacher yelled at me. " _Both_ of you will serve detentions for the rest of the week! Now go to the principle's office!"

"But.." Kurt and I wine in unison but the teacher cut us off.

"Now," he finishes sternly.

Kurt and I walk away without another word of protest. I've been in trouble before, a lot actually. I mean it's not something new for me. But as I look at Kurt while we're walking to the principle's office, he looks scared shitless. If I didn't know any better I'd say he's never been in trouble before.

This just got even better.

We reach the principle's office and receive our punishment. A week of detention and janitorial duty. I don't know when it became alright for 5th graders to be left alone with toxic cleaning supplies, but whatever.

The first day, there was no talking. Why would there be? I didn't like him, and he hated me so we kept conversation to a minimum, if any.

Around the third day I began to ask him to hand me things. He wouldn't do it, but that didn't stop me from still asking him.

The fifth day I couldn't help but notice how, despite his current circumstances, annoyingly jolly he was. Who is he to be happy? Especially when we're doing such menial tasks. Man, what is to this kid! I get him a week of detention, and here he is content with mopping floors. It was so irritating to watch, but I couldn't look away.

Right now, he could've been anywhere if it weren't for me picking a fight with him. But here he is. Dusting shelves, cleaning tables, and sweeping/mopping floors. In the principle's office he looked like detention was the greatest tragedy he'd ever faced.

But he's here finding happiness in his tragedy.

Why couldn't I?

Though I believe our tragedies pale in comparison, I can't tell him what's important to him. I can't say he shouldn't feel a certain way because what affects him shouldn't. I can't tell that to anyone no matter how much of a bitch I am.

In the midst of my mind wandering I realized that he was talking to me. "What?..Huh?" I say, shaking out of my mental stupor.

"I said: 'Take a picture, it'll last longer.' "

"What? I wasn't looking at you! Why would I? It makes my eyes hurt just thinking about it." I dry heave to add more emphasis.

"You were literally just..never mind," he says as he goes back to mopping. He dunks the mop into the visibly grayed "cleaning solution" and says, "You know, just because you haven't completely figured yourself out doesn't mean you can demean the people who have."

"Hm," I snort. I walk menacingly over to him. "You think you know me, princess?"

I was shocked to see that my words had little to no affect on him. He continued to ring out the mop and proceeded to clean the floor.

"I know you better than you know yourself," he says matter-of-factly.

"The fuck is that supposed to mean?" I said shoving him violently. You'd think we'd have some sort of supervision but on the contrary, we didn't. Kurt impatiently huffed and ran his tongue along the inside of his bottom lip while throwing the mop to the floor. He stepped up to me and I noticed he had a good 2 to 3 inches on me, well I was a year younger than him.

We were so close our foreheads were almost touching. He swallowed hard and exhaled a sharp breath. "It means that you're a fucking hypocrite."

"What?" I question.

"You're gay." He simply stated.

 _...long and breathy silence..._

Then I hit him. In the face. Strong left hook.

I looked at the blood on my knuckles and winced. I then looked at Kurt and he smirked. "Thanks for proving me right," he said as he wiped the blood from his lip.

My smirk dropped. I had no witty or threatening comeback for him. How did he even know? I haven't given any girl as much as a side glance ever since Brittany left. It's not like any girl could catch my eye anyway.

"It was your blatant hatred for me and your use of every homophobic slur there is that gave you away. You know, you should be a little less bitchy to gay people. It might keep your secret actually secret for a little while longer."

I literally stood there stumped and in awe. "It's also your lack of speaking and denial that confirms everything too so..."

"I'm..I'm not.." I try to get out but the lie doesn't even get passed my lips. What the Fuck! I thought Brittany was the only person I couldn't lie to.

"But you are. And that's okay. Just don't take out your frustrations on people who have learned to become happy in a world where it's almost impossible to."

My instincts kick in and I become menacing again. I grab him by his shirt collar and pull him close to my face. "If you even _think_ about telling a soul I will personally make sure that every waking moment of your life is filled with constant agony. Ev-er-y. Single. Cell. In your body will be slowly, and thoroughly tortured until you will beg for me to kill you. And even then, death will not be enough to end your suffering. Am I clear?"

"Crystal," he says.

"Good," I state. "Now stop being a fag and hand me the broom."

 **x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Shortly after we served our punishment Kurt and I began to get along. I'd even say we became friends. You already know how much of a rarity that is for me. I told him everything about Brittany, and he told me everything about his man crush, Blaine. We'd joke about how there's just something special about the letter 'B'. It was very relieving to have someone to talk to who could actually understand what I was going through. We confined in each other and I honestly don't think I could've made it through 5th grade without him.

The summer going into 6th grade was quite terrifying. Middle school sucks, but it's a milestone. One I would go through without Brittany. Kurt was great, but he wasn't her. No one could fill her shoes, and I wasn't looking for anyone to. It'd be useless.

It's really hard to balance thinking logically and succumbing to your emotions. You have to find balance, and my balance was found in Brittany. Everything I did and how I moved was hesitant and unsure because I didn't have her there with me. She wasn't there for me, and I began to resent her for it. Logically, I knew that it wasn't her fault that she had to move, but emotionally I wished she had fought harder to stay.

Well I don't know what she did when I left, but I believe if she fought hard enough for me she'd still be here. I could be completely wrong, but I doubt it.

 **x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

The day before the first day of 6th grade (orientation) Kurt, Blaine and I got our schedules for the school year. By the grace of God Himself, we all had the same advisory teacher - Ms. Miles. She was an oriental woman with a seasoned face, short hair and narrow glasses she only put on when she read. Her fingers were nimble and her nails were painted a cherry red. She looked cool, but this was only orientation.

We all picked seats next to each other and arranged the desks to sit in a cluster of three.

"How do you think this school year'll be?" Blaine asked optimistically.

Kurt looked at him with the disgustingly smitten look he only saves for Blaine and I dry heave.

"Whatever, Santana," he counters. "I think this year is going to be great. I've got my two best friends to experience it with."

"I couldn't agree more," Blaine replies sweetly and I actually think I may be sick.

They both turn and look at me expectanly.

"What?"

"And you, Santana?" Blaine asks.

Me? What about me? They want to know how I, an antisocial pessimist, think this school year is gonna go. Me? The girl who constantly struggles to find a reason to remain alive and sane. Really?

"I think this year is gonna be like all the other years without Brittany: useless and dissappinting."

I sit back and huff. I don't look at them because I just know they're exchanging sorrowful glances with each other.

"You never know San." Kurt encourages.

"She can come back." Blaine finishes.

"Ugh. You two sound like middle aged motivational speakers who only get booked to lecture at underprivileged middle schools."

They giggle, mistaking my meaness for a joke.

I sigh and eveything becomes serious. "It's time for me to face reality guys. She's never coming back."

Wow. That was my first time saying that out loud. It made everything seem factual and finalized. I hated it.

I hated that I poured all of myself into another person. It's stressful and self-destructive.

But that is what my life was: stress and destruction. And I didn't mind because in a weird way it felt good. It felt good to have something constant in my life. And since love never stays, desolation became a norm. I confined in loneliness. I'm not saying that all people that feel the same as me love loneliness. Or that people who don't feel like me hate loneliness. I'm just saying that it's something that's become a source of comfort for me.

Amidst my thoughts a familiar smell drifted into my nasal cavities. My heart drops to my feet and races a thousand miles a second. I feel all tingly and nervous and apprehensive and nervous and anxious and...nervous. It can't be. It would be fucking impossible. Well nothing has a 100.00% impossibility rating, but this happening was pretty damn close to it.

I was too engrossed in attempting to ignore the smell that I didn't hear Blaine and Kurt trying to get my attention. The smell of vanilla and cranberries got closer and closer. This cannot be happening. It just fucking can't be.

I dropped my head on the desk and breathed in. I inhaled deeply and serenity flowed through my body. My heart knew who that fragrance belonged to, but my mind couldn't comprehend it. Couldn't get around it.

The atmosphere shifts and I feel the goosebumps forming from my neck to my ankles.

She's entered the room.

I feel her approaching. Her small yet prominent presence was undeniable and I felt it pulsing through every part of me. Her grace was almost tangible. And her heart.

Her heart.

I sense it through all the others. It has always been different. Fuck. This shit is real.

My breath hitches in my throat as I feel a light and hesitant touch land upon my elbow and drags down to my forearm.

 _3.. I feel it coming._

I slowly lift my head.

2.. _Closer._

One more deep breath.

 _1.. here it goes._

"San?"

* * *

A.N_Hope there are people still interested in this story. I completely and sincerely apologize for the long year+ update. Life progresses at an extremely fast pace whether you want it to or not. Hope you enjoy. Feedback is greatly appreciated. Feel free to leave a review..even if it is to tell me off.

Sorry for any spelling/grammatical errors.


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